Authors: Kimberly Fox
“I have to wash my hands,” I say, knocking. “Now.”
“I’m giving birth over here,” Ophelia says through the door. “Come back in twenty.”
. I’m going to get Tanya back for this.
Her twenty minutes will probably be more like forty, she did bring her book in there, so I gather my clothes, makeup and head to the bathroom by the pool to get ready. At least it won’t smell like a cat kennel in there.
After twenty minutes of makeup and getting dressed in a public bathroom, I’m ready for dinner. A little girl dripping wet in her bathing suit walks in while I’m putting on eyeliner. She stares at me like I’m an alien as she walks into a stall.
If you had my roommate you’d spend as much time in here as possible. Trust me
Time for the unveiling.
I step back and check myself out in the large mirror. My curly brown hair is tied up behind my head with just a loose strand hanging down by my temple. I turn and check my yellow floral sundress from all angles. My hips look a little too big but it’ll have to do. It’s not like I have anybody to impress.
The toilet flushes and the little girl slips out of the stall in her Dora the Explorer bathing suit. She has bright green goggles tucked into her tangled brown hair. “You look pretty,” she says in a cute little voice.
“Thank you,” I say, smiling at her. “So do you.”
She smiles shyly and runs out in her bare feet.
I take one last look at my dress and smile.
I guess I do look pretty good.
The seafood restaurant is starting to fill up as the tourists get hungry from all of that sleeping and lying around doing nothing that filled their stress-free day.
Mr. and Mrs. Prentis are first in line, of course. I run back to my room to drop off my airplane clothes and my makeup bag. Hopefully, Ophelia is still in the bathroom or has already left. I’m still afraid to see what her surprise is.
I slide my key card into the slot, being as quiet as I can, and open the door. The smell hits me like a truck. It smells like a cat took a dump in a potpourri bowl. I toss my bags in without stepping foot inside when an unwelcome hand grabs the door and yanks it open.
“Come in for a second,” Ophelia says. “We have to go over some ground rules.”
“Like what?” I ask, holding my breath as I step in.
Ophelia counts them off on her fingers. “Whoever orders the porn on the TV has to pay for it.”
“Ooookay,” I say looking at her sideways.
“If there’s a sock hanging on the handle of the door then we can’t enter until it’s gone.”
She jerks her head up like she just thought of something. “Unless it’s a red sock then you’re welcome to enter if you want to join in.”
Ew. How can she be sisters with Tanya’s crazy religious mother? It doesn’t make sense.
Ophelia points to an industrial size box of condoms on the night table and my stomach drops. “Those are communal condoms. Feel free to use them.” She nudges me with her elbow playfully. “Just don’t use up all of my Magnums.”
I step back and hold my elbow in my hand. “Ya know I think I’m going to hold off sex for the week.”
“Really?” she asks, jerking her head back in shock. “In a place like this? Vacation dick is like shooting fish in a barrel.”
“I’m just…not into random hookups.” I’ve been there and done that and all it did was leave a sour taste in my mouth. Literally and figuratively.
Ophelia is staring at me like my hair is on fire. She’s horrified.
“Well,” she says, composing herself. “Then I have the thing for you.”
I gasp as she grabs the white plastic bag from her suitcase.
No. Not the dildos!
I step back towards the safety of the hallway but she reaches behind me and closes the door. The click of it closing sends shivers down my spine.
She opens the bag up in front of me and smiles. “I’m a vibrator and dildo connoisseur,” she says, proudly. “These are my fifteen best. You’re welcome to borrow any of them if you want. Just please, please, put them back. I don’t know what I’d do if one of them were missing.”
Suddenly I feel as nauseous as Tanya was on the plane. I wonder if I’m as green as she was too.
“Uh, thanks,” I say, reaching behind me for the door handle. “I’ll see you at dinner,” I say, opening it and running out.
“Save me a seat,” she says as I slam the door closed and sprint to the staircase.
I’m going to kill Tanya.
I hurry down to the restaurant and breathe a sigh of relief when I see Julia in line. She’s standing beside Matt looking gorgeous in a new Gucci dress. Julia looks like the richest person I know but in reality, she’s tens of thousands of dollars in retail, credit card debt. She probably added another ten in new dresses, sunglasses, and accessories for this vacation alone.
“Hey guys,” I say as I cut in line beside them. I apologize to the couple behind me and they just smile back.
Julia leans into Matt as she looks me up and down. “You look so hot in that dress,” she says.
“You should talk,” I say. Julia looks stunning with her dark black hair pulled back. The diamond necklace around her neck is sparkling in the slowly rising moonlight. “New dress?”
“Oh yeah,” she says proudly, shaking her slim hips.
“How much did that one cost?” I ask. I hate knowing but I always have to ask.
“More than your car,” she says with a wink.
I wish she was kidding. She’s living the lifestyle of a Kardashian on a kindergarten teacher’s salary.
Matt is staring up at a palm tree with his brow furrowed. I follow his gaze to see what he’s looking at but there’s nothing there.
I really don’t know Matt at all and I don’t think that Julia does either. I’ve seen them make out and cuddle a lot but I don’t think I’ve ever seen them talk.
He’s tall with dark features on his dull but okay looking face.
“So Matt,” I say, interrupting his stare down with the palm tree. “It’s going to be nice to get to know you over the week. Are you from Buffalo?”
“Yup,” he says, nodding.
“Have you ever been to Belize before?” I ask, trying desperately to make conversation.
He looks at me with confusion on his vacuous face. “Is that a new club?”
“No,” I say, looking at him sideways. “Belize. The country that we’re in.”
His forehead wrinkles as he stares at me even more confused than before.
“The country that we’re vacationing in right now. Belize.”
He shrugs. “Never heard of it.”
Julia hugs him and smiles at me. “Ten inches, Cynthia,” she whispers when Matt the bartender turns back to his captivating palm tree. “Ten inches!”
I roll my eyes and look around the resort. Julia is my best friend but she fits right into the Tinder generation. She loves her hookups.
I give it a week before she gets bored with Matt and moves on. I just wish their soon to be doomed relationship didn’t have to blossom right before this trip. Then I wouldn’t be stuck with the crazy horny cat lady.
We get to the front of the line and the pretty hostess walks us through the spectacular restaurant. There’s a marlin the size of a canoe mounted on the wall over the tables of sunburnt tourists.
“Mm, lobster,” Julia says as we pass a tank of live lobsters. My heart sinks as I see the poor guys trapped in there, wondering what the hell happened to their ocean paradise.
Tanya is standing at a large table waving us over. She looks so cute in her pink skirt and white tank top. Ethan really is lucky to have landed a girl like her.
The hostess smiles as she shows us the table and tells us to enjoy our meals. I take a quick look around the table of twenty or so people in our group and it’s all couples.
k. I pull out a chair and slide onto it with a thickness in my throat.
At least I have my people around me. Tanya and Ethan are in front of me with Mr. and Mrs. Prentis sitting on my left. Julia sits on my right with Matt sitting beside her. Luckily, there’s no room for Ophelia anywhere within smelling distance. I really don’t need to have an allergic reaction during dinner.
Ethan straightens his tie and coughs. “You look very pretty Mrs. Prentis,” he says nervously.
Mr. Prentis frowns. “Are you hitting on my wife?”
“Dad!” Tanya snips. “Come on!”
Mr. Prentis opens up his menu and grunts.
Ethan gulps as he picks up his glass of water. Poor guy is trying to make a good impression on Tanya’s hardass parents. He looks so cute in his tie as he’s fidgeting with the napkin on his lap.
I try to help him out. “Do you like your room?” I ask Tanya’s parents. “Didn’t Tanya and Ethan chose an amazing resort?”
Her dad grunts and doesn’t look away from his open menu. “There’s no bible in the night table.”
Tanya rolls her eyes.
Her mom smiles. “It’s okay. I brought my own.”
“So how’s the new job, Tanya?” I ask, trying to change the subject.
Both Ethan and Tanya stare at me with wide eyes. Tanya subtly shakes her head.
“The job in a tattoo parlor?” Mr. Prentis says with disgust in his voice. “Might as well be working for the devil.”
Okay. Zero for two.
Megan and Lucas show up and look around the table for an open seat. Her hair is a mess and Lucas’ fly is open.
“Sorry we’re late,” Megan says, sounding out of breath. We had something to take care of first.
Ugh. I hate newlyweds. So happy all of the time.
There are only two open spots left and it’s on either side of Ophelia at the end of the table. Now it’s my turn to snicker at her.
“There are two seats down there,” I say, pointing. “Have fun.”
Megan sticks her tongue out at me and pulls her husband away towards the empty seats.
“Where are your parents, Ethan?” Mr. Prentis asks. Maybe I should follow Megan. This side of the table is a little awkward for my tastes.
“Dad!” Tanya snaps.
Ethan straightens up in his chair and swallows. “They’re not coming, sir. We’re not exactly close.”
“Oh, how nice,” Mr. Prentis says as he turns back to his menu.
I close my eyes and turn over to Julia and Matt. That was way too awkward.
“So what drink are you getting, Matt?” I ask. “What would a professional bartender recommend?”
“I would recommend wine with dinner,” he says, staring at me with blank eyes.
Wow, this guy is a real conversationalist.
“Okay,” I say, “I’ll take some wine.” A lot of wine.
“Can you believe another one of our friends is getting married?” Julia asks. “One day it will be our day.” She finds my hand under the table and squeezes it.
“I hope so,” I mutter under my breath. I don’t want to end up like Ophelia down there.
A band starts playing some light Caribbean music and toes start swaying, fingers start tapping and heads start bobbing all around the restaurant. The music is really good and mixed with the salty smell of the ocean and frying fish from the kitchen, it finally feels like vacation. Just because it had a rocky start doesn’t mean the whole week will be bad.
Megan snorts out a laugh as Ophelia rushes to the dance floor in front of the band and starts dancing. She shakes her hips and large breasts suggestively as she stares at the wide-eyed chef who’s grilling a large fish.
“That’s your roommate?” Julia asks, watching Ophelia over her shoulder.
“Yeah,” I say, curtly. “Thanks a lot.”
She winces. “Sorry babe.”
“Yeah, I know,” I say, rolling my eyes. “Ten inches.”
We have a nice dinner chatting easily. Julia and I catch up with Tanya as Ethan fails spectacularly over and over again at trying to win Mr. and Mrs. Prentis’ approval. Matt stares blankly at the dead marlin hanging on the wall through most of the dinner.
The staff clears the dirty plates and I take one last fry from my delicious fish and chips before the waitress takes it away.
Julia hands the waitress her plate with the poor, dead lobster carcass sitting on it. “Did you enjoy the cute little lobster that you had murdered?” I ask.
“I did,” she said, wiping the corner of her lips with her cloth napkin. “I think tomorrow night I’m going to eat her cute, little delicious children.” She grins at me and cackles like the witch from the Wizard of Oz.
“You’re so evil,” I whisper.
She touches her palm to her chest and closes her eyes. “Thank you.”
“I read in the reviews that this restaurant has the best chocolate cake in Central America,” Tanya says, clamping her fingers together in excitement.
“Do you like chocolate cake?” Ethan asks Mr. Prentis.
“No,” he answers curtly.
The band starts playing some romantic music now that the dinner is finished. Ethan looks over at the dance floor as couples start to make their way over, hand in hand.
“Would you like to dance, my love?” Ethan asks Tanya. I think he just wants to get away from Tanya’s disapproving parents.
Tanya grabs his hand and they excuse themselves on the way to the dance floor. The band starts playing Lady in Red and women drag their men to the dance floor like moths to a flame.
One by one the couples at our table get up and make their way to join the soon to be bride and groom.
“Come dance with us,” Julia says as Matt and her stand up.
“Thanks but I’m just going to wait for my chocolate cake,” I say, feeling a little sorry for myself. “Apparently it’s the best in Central America.”
“Well, when you’re done,” Julia says, “come join us. We could use your sexy moves out there.”
Mr. and Mrs. Prentis stand up from the table. “Are you two going to dance?” I ask.
“He doesn’t like dancing,” Mrs. Prentis says, looking disappointed.
“We’re going to bed.” He nods his frowning face at me. “Good night, Cynthia.”
“Good night, dear,” Mrs. Prentis says before following her husband out.
I’m all alone at the large table. Even Ophelia is on the dance floor, singing and dancing by herself.
At least she owns it.
Just when I’m starting to feel sorry for myself the staff walks over carrying the true love of my life. My eyes light up when the waitress places a large piece of chocolate cake in front of me. She drops off a piece in front of each empty seat and smiles as she leaves.